When my stepfather and I were fixing his black car's brakes, he told me that he use to watch his granddaddy and uncles fix up cars and that is how he learned. He learned from his grandfather and his uncles all of the handy things that he knows how to do or picked them up. I remember quite destinctly that he used to have a green beat-up Bible when he first moved in with this family when I was 10. It had highlight marks all over it. He said his favorite book was proverbs. About 4 years later he was questioning my faith and I became so upset I yelled at the guy and left the room.
I have become a man. Not by learning how to do the activities that a man is expected to do, but from following in the ways of the Lord and bettering myself to become more of a person in His image. I have since put childish ways aside. I am still learning. The things I especially need to learn are how to repair cars, how to cook properly, and how to take care of babies. If I learn that from this man here I can probably leave and have a better chance surviving without him.
But there is still one thing that looms overhead. One thing that I haven't quite told dear old mum and stepfather about. I love this girl and they don't know. I don't know how to tell them and I don't think I'm likely to get a positive reaction if I did. So I'm planning to have her call me on the phone. And have my mum pick up her phone and all three of us could talk at once and I could tell her that way. And what ever my mum takes to heart, my stepfather will also. My younger sister doesn't to know. She already caught me opening a picture of her one day. I am a man of God. And as a follower of Jesus Christ I cannot allow myself to be deceived. I can't live in any sort of falsehood or anything. Because the words of God are living in Jesus, Yeshua. And the words of God are truth. I can't live in glum falsehood, but rejoice in the truth. Not that I do not believe that what I have with this woman is false. I repeatedly on several occasions validated it to be true. In my eyes I see that it is. But my eyes can be deceived. I love her through spirit because I'm not physically there to talk to her and we communicate on a level where it is only a mental interaction. But the fruit of the spirit is love, kindness, peace... So how can I be sure that these feelings that we both share are genuine? I am sure.
When I called her on the phone so long ago, I never told her through audio that I had any feelings for her. So if she's able to tell me that on the phone, then she could certainly tell me that in person. I'm willing to put that to the test, but the true test would be meeting her somewhere and telling her face to face. Because this wouldn't truly be the pure feeling of love that is love if we couldn't interact wholely on all of those levels. So whether interacting with her in person would change anything or not, or if it turns out that her feelings aren't real or not, I'm willing to push forward in this endeavor. Because was true is more important than falsehood. And I have to see. I'm absolutely sure that it will work. But then again.... Am I sure? Or am I blinded from the truth by this love? Is this love transient? Will I grow out of it as Equeena says? I'm willing to put the time and energy into what I have with her because I feel it is worth it. And if it does turn out that this is falsehood, it would not have been a complete waste at all. If I fall out of love... if that is even possible... with her... I will rejoice in the moments that I spent loving her. I have built up these treasures in my heart. From these moments that we've had. From what she's told me. Right now I can say that I love Carolyn D. Whether I will be saying that I once loved her before but now it is no more or if I'll be saying that I will love her forever - it is irrelevant to me now.
So this is the sickness that they call love...
I am a man. A man of God. And so I will make a voyage to Indiana. To attend to this matter. My brother in Christ spane would tell me that I sound like an idiot right now babbling about on matters of the heart... But I know I do. And it doesn't affect me. This isn't something I can solve on my own. This is going to take some serious consultation with my heavenly Father.
posted by: equeena (reply)
post date: 12.30.03 (9:58 pm)
*stares blankly* i told you you'd grow out of it?
hmmm...oh you'll never grow out of it. it may pass. it may not. you may remember it forever, but you'll never grow out of it. heh. if only it were that easy.
but i hope it works for you and that your parents are understanding.
posted by: george (reply)
post date: 12.31.03 (12:54 pm)
