I go to men's accountability group and today was my first time teaching something to a group of men, ever. My group's group-leader was encouraging me to do the teaching after I suggested I run something off for just our small group. I spent the next four weeks fiddling with what I would hand to them on paper. It's now 12:18AM and I spent all night the following night working on it - went to bed at 5AM and got up at 8AM to go to school. Spent all day in prayer over it. It's called, "The Presence of Purity," after something I once heard Ravi Zacharias preach on. It was going to be on sexual immorality and pre-marital relationships. They said they would give me 2 weeks on it and so when I reasoned I wouldn't have enough time to talk about both in one go I worked just on the sexual immorality part of it. I tell you, I was adding and tweaking the whole length of the night, being moved by the Spirit. I didn't even edit what I'd written, it was just a constant addition and flow of what needed to go into the letter on how to deal with sexual temptation, sexual sin, pornography, etcetera. Though I'd written so much, I was so ill prepared to give a presentation on what I had written.

Well, I'd gotten back from school and bible study and everything and it was nearing the time when I'd have to present (5:30PM). I prayed furiously on what needs more attentiveness in the letter. I worked on it right up until 5:30 and I was late. I was supposed to get up at 6:30 but dinner started at 5:30. Then, my sister asked me to take her to dance class. So, I printed it out and I drove her. I then remembered how I forgot my guitar and the worship music I would have sung. I also saw that since I was so late, there would be no time to go to Staples and make copies. We prayed over the situation in the car and I dropped her off. Then when praying on the way back, I noticed my pronouns were bugging again! "Please keep me from failing. I'm ill-prepared. I might mess this up." Me, me, me! "For it is God who works in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure." Phil. 2:13. I began praying in faith and saying to the Lord that I want to trust in Him. I wanted to trust in the Lord. Suddenly, I spotted on the right hand side of the road a brand new Kinkos just near the church. It was so new it wasn't even on the Kinkos website that I searched before I left. I swung the car around and went in. I had less than 15 minutes to get there. I handed the man the stack of 15 sheets and asked for as many copies that could be done in 10 minutes. I wanted to get 50, but since there were so many pages it would be $1.28 per packet, so I asked for 20. The efficient machine copied each page and stapled every packet.

So, he handed me the stack and I darted out. After some fancy Nissan maneuvers, I parked the car, got out, and ran inside. Just made it at 6:30! I started handing out the packets. There were just enough for everyone with 1 person left and all the late arrivals left without them which I want to get to next week. It was still warm from having been printed. I was then told that I could have gotten copies from the church office. Surprise, surprise! So, I handed them out, and started.

I spoke for less than a half hour (seemed like 5-10 minutes) on sexual immorality, with nothing prepared. I clung to the Holy Spirit and relied on the Spirit for every word, being ill-prepared. As I began to relate my struggles with sexual immorality and go through the packet with the men, I got some very diverse facial expressions. I felt horrible at this! What, is it with what I'm saying? What's wrong? People looked perplexed, grossed out, as if I was completely insane. One man's face was fixed that way. One person cringed and then started nodding his head. I expected stone cold expressions from the men, but not cringes and strange 'This guy's a nut' faces. I kept going. I finished, trying not to go over 7 o'clock. They clapped, and the leader said, 'We have a hidden teacher among us.' I felt so ashamed and horrible. I felt bad about this. I grinned and smiled and bore it, looking around the room. Then, my small group's leader stood up and addressed everyone. He said, 'You just heard Isaac's sermon. You heard how convicting that was. I know this is of the Lord, we need to start confessing in our small groups.' I didn't realize it, and was so concentrated on the delivery of the speech that God had been convicting the men of the whole room the entire time. They were like convicted over it. I didn't even think what I was saying was that important! I thought it was just the result of my ill-preparedness to prepare a speech along with what I'd written by God's grace and that I just barely scratched the surface of the important issues. But, apparently, the Holy Spirit was using what I'd said.

Afterward many people said, "Good job." Many shook my hands and were impressed with the size of what I'd written. This was feeding my pride-drive, so to speak, and I felt horrible. Why can't God just get all the glory?! I know they were complimenting compliments, but I was trusting not in my performance but God's power in a difficult time. I felt awful. Every compliment made me feel bad. I got to my small group and I just feel bad. Then, we talked about the message and deviated from our normal schedule for about a 1/2 hour. It was just on what I'd said. Then, my leader for the rest of the 2 hours or so in the group had all of the men freely confess their sins among each other and pray about them. But, they spoke about what was said (...through me...) :-( And I felt horrible. Someone said, 'Pastor Isaac.' Then, the leader said, 'Say, they're already calling you a preacher.' I put my hand on my face, cringed, and said, 'I hate that.' This made him feel bad, which I regreted. The Holy Spirit gave me a time to explain myself later on. I'd spent time in my old church and had bad experiences with the leadership there and felt horrible being called 'preacher' or teaching. God's humbled me and I took no pleasure in the act. I actually got up and walked off. I was going to go to my car and possibly leave, but as I got to the door, the Holy Spirit gave me the thoughts of me praying with the group, and I recognized that as important. So, I went back, and that's what they were doing. So, I prayed with them. I was under some sort of spiritual attack or something because I felt miserable. Little by little as the night rolled on, my spirit wasn't as heavy. Gene was reasoning with me how biblically I had done a good thing and not to feel condemned. I knew that him getting up and saying that in response to the message addressing the room at the time was of the Lord. I thank God for his small group leadership, I really do...

As I walk with God these new areas where I'm being confronted I pray will by the Spirit turn into areas where God's grace shines forth exempliary the greatest because those are areas where I surely am weak! The rest of the night was actually great. It ended with a lot of love from each other. I pray that next week the next message will be better prepare. Thanks, Lord!

Cheers,

Isaac D.