Lately, I struggle with my own pride and inward dryness. I'm very cold to everyone at the register and I'm particularly being cold to my own mother. I've been broken over this. I so much want to reflect the behavior and disposition of Jesus so that they can see Christ and I so much want them to respond to the Gospel that I'm frustrated with them. I show kindness in my actions and I don't do anything wrong that would defame the name of Christ, but I don't show forth the name of Christ - There's kindness, but no grace. There's no brimming smile on my face like the first year I was saved even though there's nothing different from that year, but my understanding the Word is more clear and scripture in my mind is more magnified, I'd suppose. I feel bad that I'm not showing them 'tender mercy.' God has tender mercy (James 5:11, Luke 1:78, 2 Cor. 1:3), and we're called to put on tender mercies, as God's people (Phil. 2:1, Col. 3:12). But, here's the thing - not on our own power or strength. God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, has shined in or our hearts! He did this to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. So, I guess when others see a saved person's face in God's power, they see Christ's reflecting the glory of God. We have this treasure in earthen vessels so that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us!

Because I can fake it! I don't want to fake it. I can be kind to people and kind to my mother, but it would all be out of and devoted to the flesh, because what's the source of that kindness? Myself. And I get the glory. I don't want to fake it because then I wouldn't shine the glory of Christ's face, but my own flesh's power. I want the excellency of the power behind my smiles and kindness to be of God, from the Holy Spirit within me, dishing it out. Otherwise, I'm just a fake.

It's like Paul - Paul said that he welcomed tribulations because of what they were. He endured hardships as discipline from the Lord. And when God disciplines, we partake of His holiness and righteousness! That seemed drab to me before, but now it's so awesome! I'm only beginning to find out what the implications of that verse are. Anyway, if I welcomed tribulations, like Paul, just to copy him, and welcomed tribulations the same way without understanding why I'm doing it, but just because Paul did it, it's no good! Because there's no understanding behind it! I'm just welcoming tribulations! I don't understand why I'm doing it! I need Jesus Christ. I need the Lord's help. I need His power, I need to understand why I'm to be kind, why the excellency of the power must come from God. I need to know why God needs the glory! (Because He deserves it!) Otherwise, I'm not operating in faith per se. I don't think it would be ignorance, because I know I'd be doing it to be like Christ, to follow the good examples of Jesus and the apostles, to be like God, to fulfill the call to 'be holy, as He is holy.' But, I wouldn't understand why tribulations were welcomed by Paul, and I'd just take a beating to take a beating. I wouldn't know why Paul was doing it. I want to understand!

I heard Todd Friel say on WOTM Radio - Read the Word, Ask God for power to apply it, and then do it. Read the Word, Ask God for help, and then do it. I'm praying that God will show Himself through me, and give me more understanding on this matter. Please pray for me.

Recently went to D. James Kennedy's website for the first time, after hearing of him and hearing many of his audio clips on WOTM Radio and when I got there I looked at his commentaries section and I immediately went to the Apologetics section. This concerns me because my main focus being saved isn't on the intellectual defense of the message of salvation, the Gospel, but on sitting at the feet of Jesus and hearing His good doctrine. Like, the Holy Spirit is training me to do evangelism I'm certain, but I know that the Spirit's intentions in that endeavor aren't to distract me from what He's teaching me about Christ through the doctrine of Christ... That He's showing me something, but it isn't the main thing He wants my heart on. He wants me to pursue God with all my heart, yes through evangelism, but also through fellowship, discipleship, worship, dcotrine, praise - with everything I am. I want to give the Lord my heart, soul, mind, and strength.