There's this person where I work. She's a spanish-speaking girl from Puerto Rico that is a senior in high school. I suppose she started liking me because when I began working there I showed her sympathy. I saw the glum expression on her face and, of course, wanted her to be happy. From then until now, I've learned a lot from her. First, it started out with hugs. I hugged her here, I hugged her there. Then, another co-worker named Chris saw us hugging and wanted me to go out with her. I told him no. He persisted. Then her hugging turned into deep-hugging and holding hands. She was drawing more emotion from it. Nidya, to me, isn't attractive. I can't find her that way. But, there's the beauty of the mind, the body, and then the soul. Spiritually, Nidya is innocent. She wants what people that haven't found God yet once. To feel that the empty place in her is filled. She is self-conscious about her every look. She thinks she is fat and ugly. So she thinks that having a boyfriend would solve these problems. That somehow he would make her feel happy. A boyfriend, as I have learned now, is more like a father. He hugs, he loves, he tells her that she's pretty, then he buys her things and takes her places. They're together, but it's not the same way friends would behave. I thought that it may be the same, but it's not. I only wanted to be friends with Nidya even since the beginning. One day her hugs and her attempts to flurt with me doubled in strength. I suppose I must have given her extra attention one day that she felt that she wasn't getting from anywhere else and decided in her mind that I was to be that source of attention. I really just wanted to be her friend. So then, eventually, our co-workers presumed that we were dating. It would make her upset because she had to continually tell them that we were not and I wouldn't let her lie because I didn't want her to sin (I can't sin anymore and I get extremely guilty if I attempt to do it) and I didn't want to go ahead and date her and say that we were dating because then it would seem like I were lying before when I said that we weren't. I told her not to care what they thought because their opinions are within their heads and it shouldn't concern her. I went into deeper explanation on how their opinions don't matter. So then she continued to flirt with me and she wanted me to go to her Homecoming. I wasn't even going to go to mine! No, not because I can't dance or because I can't dress for the occasion or anything, though those do attribute to it; It is because of the people there. And I'll explain later in a next blog. So everyday, covertly, we'd hold hands and we'd hug. She really loves it when I hold her. I've learned how to give some really warm hugs. I wrap my arms around her and I hold her close and she really likes that. It really does make her happy. And, from what she's told me, she isn't very happy. So I suppose I've hugged her one too many times because it's grown on her. She's always holding my hand when I'm around and getting me to let her rest her head on my shoulder. I brushed it off as petty friendly affection, but it meant more to her than that. And more to me than I had realized.
One day at work I was put on a register that was far from the others. I was 2 or 3 registers apart from the cluster of people that was on registers. So my co-worker, T-t, came to me on a slow period and asked me if it was lonely standing over there by myself, in a joking manner. I told her no, I am never lonely. I've always had God here by me and he's been there since the birth of me. I didn't tell her this, but God will be there until the death of me, too. And even beyond death. And that's a wonderful feeling. God has been and will always be here for me and this is why I don't feel lonely at all anymore. This is why I don't yearn for the comfort of having a woman. This is why I have no inner void and feel no emptiness. Because of God's love.
When teased, Nidya accidentally blurted out that I was her boyfriend. I confronted her on the matter and she told me that she was only kidding. One day when I was leaving her after work she hugged me and told me that she loved me. I brushed it off as a simple sign of care between two friends and walked off. I then, later, began to think of it in a serious light. That I could break her heart because I didn't feel the same way for her as she did for me. That I would have to hurt someone.
Well, tonight, we were in the breakroom. I stayed late because I volunteered to mop. I was just released and I went up to the breakroom and found her there waiting for me. It was sort of noisy and one of the managers, Robert, walked in and out. So I went to my locker to get my Calculus book that I was supposed to be studying from (it defeats the entire purpose of bringing it to work if I don't use it properly) and she sat down on the bench and asked me to sit next to her. I knew what was next. More flirting. But I didn't want it to continue. I wanted to end it. I wanted her to know that I couldn't do it anymore. I held her hands. I sat close to her. I looked her in her eyes. I was joking around. She wanted me to attend her Homecoming with her. I told her no. She wanted me to think about it. That's when she moved closer to me. I could sense her emotions. I don't know what happened, but I moved closer too. I don't know what was going on in my mind at the time. So then, we were about a centimeter away and I was trying to convince her. The conversation, with its sparks of high emotion, is deteriorating in my mind, but I'll try to remember what I said... "Are you happy?" I said. "Yes," she replied with a smile. "Why are you happy?" I asked. "It feels good!" "Why does it feel good?" I can't remember her reply to that one. "No... my love is weak. Do you know who's love is stronger than mine?" I asked. She seemed to know the answer right off the bat, and told me God's love. I told her that she was correct. Then I said something like... "You know, I have to go soon but as soon as I leave here, these feelings will go away. Don't you see that this is only temporary?" "Are you going to kiss me?" she said with a laugh. "Kiss you?" I said pulling away, "What does kissing mean?" Then she said a few things and we ended up face to face again. Then I said, "As soon as I leave here, you wont feel this way anymore. But it doesn't have to feel this way! I feel this way all the time and you can, too!" "Oh yeah?" she said. "Yes. And I want you to feel what I feel. This God-given happiness I feel inside. It will always be with you if you have God's love. My love is weak and only temporary. But God's love...it lasts forever and it will always be with you. Will you have that for me?" "Yeah," she said with a deep smile. Now the depth of her smile was pushing against me cheeks. I suppose she could feel my breath on her lips, because the warmth must have made her want to kiss me even more... "Why aren't you looking me in the eyes?" I asked her. "I can't see your eyes when we're so close!" she said. So I looked her in the eyes and I suppose I caught a feeling, or something... :roll: Yeah. I kissed her, okay... My first one. I did it horribly at first, then better the second time. ------- I was kissing her today. Again. I finally got her to realize. I sat her down and I kissed her for about 20 minutes while explaining how I don't feel the same way she does when we kiss. That to me it was just kissing. The act of kissing, which has no meaning to me. I convinced her, after a series of questions, that I didn't feel the same way for her as she did for me and that I was only doing it to make her happy. She was starting to believe me, but I had to go home. She could feel that what I was doing to her was empty and that there was no emotion behind it. She thought I was holding back and asked me if anything were wrong. But that was the thing! They were empty. I love her the way a friend loves a friend. As a sister. Nothing more. And it's just plain weird to go around kissing siblings. I need to get that into her head somehow.
posted by: Golliad (reply)
post date: 10.11.03 (10:02 pm)
before you can make her believe what you're saying, you have to believe it wholeheartedly yourself. by telling her something, and then doing the opposite in your actions, you're playing with her emotions, and deceiving her. Emotions are very much real, and should never be toyed with. You might play too hard and break your toy... then you are left with nothing but pieces.
