Hi. Guess what! It's FCAT day again for the school that I attend. I was watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and I decided to write you a letter. Though you'd probably appreciate seeing it physically, you'd receive it quicker online. Here you are:
Dear Beloved, I wanted to talk some more! But, I don't want to talk to you about the unpleasant things. I'd rather we talk of rabbits. Pretty ponies. Dandelions. And birds with bees. So I want to tell you, not to complicate what's already complicated, but to tell you the truth in what has taken me ages to come to see. My heart. It didn't go anywhere. It doesn't clog with plaque when I've eaten something with a lot of grease and fat in it. It isn't something with a beat or what a doctor can listen to when I ail. Its location is in the same place I lock away the memories of us. It can't be saved to any disc or burnt later. It can be recounted. It can be used to store happiness and taken out later in times when happiness has fleeted. Its nothing physical. When I say I love you, I haven't come to such a result out of seeing the way the morning light courtsies your face. Staring unto your eyes. From your touch or your amber embrace. Though such things can be done in heart, it's not where its from. I have come to love you from coming to know you. And I can't even say that I know you! So I say I want to make love to you. But not in the sense of anything physical. But through every matching word. Every sweet phrase. Every allusion to an imagination-proliferating situation. Love doesn't come from anything physical, this I know. But I can't claim to know the heart. I can't say I know the extent of my own, as you know Who does. But I'm ready and willing to share what I have of it with you. Willing to love you. Ready when you are. (back) So I can't say that Mary is anything but a physical attachment, whom I happen to have befriended. She thinks I can read her mind sometimes. But that thing that we do when we're talking and can predict what we're going to say - I can do that to Mary because I can do it to you. And the Lord our God made it that way. I've fooled myself for too long. I don't know - I don't now, but I can't love Mary. Every kiss and every hug tells me to. But those are physical! I would rather not have ever kissed. Rather not have ever touched. Rather not have seen the beauty of another woman if it ment risking losing you. Its the truth. I'm not going to kiss her to kiss her anymore. No more attachments. So when she goes to kiss me, I will no longer feel guilty about turning from you. When she goes to wrap her arms around me, I will no longer try to pretend it is your warmth. I will accept each hug. And take each penetration of lips. Because I know. They are what they are. And mean nothing more to me. The truth is, loving you makes me happy. And it subsides every desire every wany. It's not something I can find in someone lik eMary. I could always buy another Picapoo toy dog. And I can play with him and he could bring me companionship, but there was only one Caesar. Only one son. No other furry little creature could reproduce what I shared with him. No other person could look the same way as you in my hearts. Awaying your reply. With Love, Isaac D. ------------------------- ------------------------- -------------------------
What was strange was that when I walked into the classroom, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Then when the bell rang after I had sown a seed, the sky had low patchy clouds. I walked to 2nd block and after that, the sky was back to the way it was that morning - not a cloud for lightyears. I love the Lord... Anyway, I hope you're not mad at me for loving you, Carolyn. And... for not resolving this matter in the beginning. I could have scared your twin sister off, but I just don't have the capability anymore to act phoney. I can act myself, though! Besides, she might get tired of me after a little while and want to let go of me. Today I was tutoring her in Algebra 2 (haha, more like Algebra, 'Too') and before when we were walking to the portable there was this girl that stopped us and saw her hugging my arm and asked if that was her boyfriend. I exhalted her and embarrassed her. And before that she was telling me how she failed gym and I was telling random people that she was dumb enough to fail gym and she was embarrassed. And as I was tutoring her, I let my crazy side take over and I was ansy and jumping all over the place. So maybe I can just be who I am and hope that scares her off. ;-) Have some fun... My friend Antonio is dating LaToya. I saw them today and they're getting pretty close. I was talking to Antonio last night about some stuff. This room is being redecorated. It is going to be painted a bright lime green color this time. And properly. My mum and I are going to do it because my stepfather doesn't have much patience for these things. Oh yeah... I'm practising guitar now and I'm doing fine. Just need another pick. A thin pick. What was busting up all of the guitar strings would be from using that Hard pick, which is for bass guitars, he says. I'm studying the Book of Ecclesiastes. It's great. I just ate an apple. It was red. They're the worst. I like the green apples much better. It's 4 o'clock and one minute, a half an hour before my mum comes home. I'm supposed to have printed out some business cards for her, but I can't find the paper. I deposited $72 into the bank. So I can rechard the phone card and give you another call, if you're up to it.
I was thinking... Maybe I should add a small yellow bird to that cloud design I made. My mum used to sing me this song when I was young. Two days ago in the car she asked me if I could sing and she wouldn't leave it alone. So then she gave up and went silent. And I started singing yellow bird and she said I can sing. (I can't sing. :-/ ) And that she was surprised. So that could have meaning also... I just need to fix the spacing on the bottom. Hmm... I suppose I should search for a job again. Yes. To pay for car insurance. I have had this long-running inside joke for a while now and I tell people I drive an Imaginary Oldsmobile. So maybe I should buy an Oldsmobile. It just sounds funny... Olds-Mobile. I heard they stopped making them. So I figure, why not come out with NewsMobiles? They'd be better than Oldsmobile, with the brandish, older name. And they'd probably sell like flys and ...rice paper or something. And they'd be popular among news stations. I'm going to go to Mary's house and fix her computer tomorrow. Buck up, old girl... It's not like I'm marrying the lady or have had 6 kids with her. Elementary school kids kiss each other all the time! They've probably had more action than I've had, haha... I'm her boy'friend,' not her husband. It's temporary. I take that back. Manfriend. 8-) No... But she's just a friend to me now. A different kind. I can't go with Christian to the beach. He's too pale and doesn't like the sun. But I could take Mary... I can go to the park and lye in the grass with Mary, but if I did this with Adam it'd be weird. See? I've done none of these things with Mary, but... Blahs. I should get to work. Well. I was talking to Harriette about events yesterday and she was telling me all of these things and I just wanted to say I'm not with Mary to get back at you for being with Jon... That doesn't effect me. She was telling me that you guys could be fooling around without me knowing it, but I trust you. And even if you were, there's nothing I can do about it! It's not like I'm going to go and Fred Flintstone over to Indiana and tell you two how to behave. And if I did, I'd be a hypocrit. Because I was cleaning Mary's tongue the other day. Haha... No, just kidding. I don't kiss her anymore. She waits for me to set up a romantic situation and do it in a romantic part of a conversation, but I avoid talking that way with her anymore. But it's nothing... It's like... I can't describe how it is. Oh dear... It's like being with a female version that is all quiet and shy. While I'm all loud and boystrous. If I was a female I'd want to kiss me too! Just to see how it feels to kiss myself. Yum. I think I taste like jelly because I eat a lot of jam sandwiches lately. Crap... I should get to work. Gosh... I was worried all day about how you felt. Thanks a lot, Carolyn! Now my head is polluted with worry and...grief. I might get wrinkles in my forehead now~! I was sitting with a girl that was listening to Miles Davis today. That was cool. I like meeting people that have good taste in music. Not just the whole... Little John, "Okay!" "Yeah!" And the loud yelling and cursing and skeet skeet skeet skeet... There are like 10 curse words and they use those words more than any other word. It's like the word "the." It's pretty hard to describe something without it. They fill in all of the gaps with curse words to make it sound cool. I can't listen to that anymore. Gosh, I need to take out this trash can... And get to work! And so I was sailing the seven hails today and I noticed that... Oh, my mum's late. It's 4:34. That I don't look into peoples eyes anymore. I'm so far off into thought... Oh, here she is. She's back. I found the business card paper. Anyways. I was talking to Christian this morning and he was telling me about how he read the book of Enoch and I was telling him, Christian, Christian, you need to understand the gospel of Jesus Christ before you go galavanting off into the arms of the deceiver because you will be deceived, but he wasn't listening. And then we went into the Library for a few minutes and then he began to tell me about how all of it started to fit together and that it made perfect sense about the parts with Jesus Christ in it and then I began to see that maybe he did actually gain a spiritual understanding from what he read and that I should only offer my advice and not try to pressure him into reading a specific part if he's driven to come to know another part. Because a tiny iota of the Word is able to change people's lives... So I'm glad he's being delivered into the warm arms of the Lord instead of remaining in the dark. Because he was telling me that we should get an apartment together in Tampa and be room-mates in college. So I might move out and do those plans... Ugh... What to do with this letter... I don't want my stepfather to come in here one day and rake through some papers and find it. I was thinking I should tear it up, but you'd probably want me to save it. If you've forgiven me... Baaahhh..... The lack of communication is poking holes in my brain. Oh, I saw this nasty little animation this weekend. It was called Akira and it was set in the future after a postapocolyptic explosion in a certain area and they were at risk of suffering the same fate. And the explosion was from this thing called Akira. And it turned into a cult in the city and the movie is about these street guys that ride these motorcycles that can do 20,000 RPMs. And so in the beginning they were fighting another gang called the Clowns and this kid named Tetsuo tried to clobber one of them with a pipe and he was knocked off of his bike and so the government passed by or something and picked him up and arrested him. Then they took him somewhere and experimented on him with this machine. And wrapped his head. And so he tried to escape from the facility and he took the red motorcycle of this other guy and the gov't found him again and the Clowns beat his girlfriend up and he was getting all angry. So then in the facility they experimented on him some more and all of a sudden his head starts hurting and when he was alone he wanted to escape and when he escape he was blowing people up. I mean, blood and hands and fingers everywhere.... And this is an animation that shows all of the nastiness and nudity. It was gross. He had this flashback where he was using his power and all of his intestinal and stomach organs fell out of his stomach and they were all gooey and he tried to rake them back into his stomach, which I found to be quite upsetting for a second there. And all throughout the movie it was just...eck. The end was big and moving, typical of good Japanese animation, but it was dumb. Don't see Akira. Don't see it. I better get back to work... Oh so anyway today I was sitting in Care and Prevention: Athletic Injury class and I was just sitting there thinking and all of a sudden I had this nasty daydream. Not really a daydream, but a thing where you fall asleep with your eyes open sort of but it's not really sleep. You know, right? So I was thinking about this stomach and at the top instead of the esophogus it was a vagina giving birth to a something and then it fell into this pool of semen and the walls were covered in flapping ding-dongs and secreting... And there were these trees that had breasts on them. It was gross. Halley had a laugh out of it. She's this girl that hangs with Christian and Adam that always wears pants and a fisherman's hat. Never a dress or anything. It's pretty cool. She has nice shirts, though. I almost missed the school bus this afternoon, too... I was running and the bus was stopped because this kid named Rashad was acting up. I was blessed to have made it because I didn't have any bus fair. And there's this girl named Sha'Ron that took a liking to me because I'm strange and she sits with me now. She was all quiet because I she sees me with Mary. It's strange... Girls that I used to talk to at school as regular people act different around me because of her. It's as if they're saying, "oh, you have a girlfriend now, why are you talking to me?" And they're not as smiley as they used to be. And there's this one girl that gave me a dirty look because she used to pick on me for talking to this mentally challenged girl she's friends with and thought I liked her or something. Anyway, Sha'Ron was all quiet around me today. Usually, she's bouncing off the wall and poking me or saying my name. She was today, but she wasn't trying to distract me from reading the Word today. She was singing off key on purpose and when Tracy was angry at her, she just laughed in his face. She's done that five times now. I joined her in laughing the last 3 times, but... And she's nasty sometimes! She had this Photoshoped picture of Nelly naked with his privates hanging out and she was flashing it in people's faces and laughing. All bus ride, flashing it to people passing by.... Giggling at it and trying to make me laugh at it when I was reading the Word. I didn't. She likes that in me because she can't get to me. I made a joke one day and she slapped me! She's actually pretty intelligent, even though people call her dumb for joking around. She can always make someone laugh, which is a sign of intelligence. She doesn't feel challenged in school. And she comes up with the funniest things. "My vagina's gone crazy!" And... stuff. I should get to work... I have this disease. I'm on Goldenseal, Vitamin C, multivitamin, Night-time Alkseltzer, a throat cloriceptic, salt-water... And I took this nasal spray before I went to sleep. Today I walked around breathing through both nostrils, which happens like twice every 6 months for 5 minutes for me. It's amazing! So maybe I've finally found the combination... Anyway, I know I've said this a couple dozen times, but I should REALLY get to work now. Care to talk to me later? I hope you do... ;-) Forgive me! Signed, With Love, Isaac D.
